Our Family at the Rock N Roll Cafe

Our Family at the Rock N Roll Cafe
Graceland, TN

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


So yeah, I have three kids. And I am a full time student. And I work parttime. And I have a husband. So all of these things.

I let my house slide. SERIOUSLY let it slide. For a while last year the house was on the market so I had to keep it pretty clean all the time. Then in November the listing expired and it was finals time and life intervened and the house went downhill.

This semester I have been asking more of my husband. Like asking him to help with the bathrooms on the weekends. I figure he uses the bathroom too, and the three rugrats using the bathrooms ARE his kids as well, and he can help out. So he kinda took over. This semester I have 2 night classes - so he gets the kids from school Monday and Tuesday nights, cooks dinner for them, and puts them to bed while I am at school. He has lately gotten to cleaning the whole house on Monday and Tuesdays. It is awesome. But of course I feel guilty that he is doing so much. He helps them with their homework, too. Now they come to him with problems, not always necessarily me. It makes me sad.

I try to tell myself that I took 10 years to take care of them. I stayed home with them, I changed their diapers, I breastfed them. I made so many sacrifices of who I am to take care of my babies, and I loved every minute (okay maybe not EVERY minute). Now that they are getting older they can survive without their Mama every second of every day, right? But the Mama-guilt is here and it is strong. I still spend a lot of time with my girlies, and I try to make the time we spend together GOOD time- quality time, but of course it is nowhere near as much when I was staying home. When I was staying home I cooked REAL food - where the meat started out as raw meat and I added ingredients and it ended up being cooked into a meal. . . .Now it is frozen food, pasta and lots and lots of eating out. And I feel guilty about this.

I feel guilty about pursuing MY dream at their expense. I know in my head that my girls having a closer relationship with their father is a GOOD thing for them. They have 2 parents that love them and that is a blessing. They have food to eat and clothes to wear and it doesn't really matter which parent washed and folded those clothes. I know that my sweet husband is completely capable of taking care of those sweet girlies. Becoming a doctor is MY dream, not theirs, not Jimmy's. This is about ME. And I feel selfish for pursuing my dream, even though in the end it will affect all of their lives, hopefully for the better.

I am proud of the hard work that I have done. I am proud of the work I do; proud of my job at Pinelake, proud of my girls, and my relationships with my husband and my friends. I juggle so many things and i am proud of that.

Today has been a Mama-guilt kind of day. Julie threw up this morning and i had a test in my 9:30 class, so Jimmy stayed home from work to take care of her. Very sad and hard for me to accept that I am not parent #1 anymore. :(

1 comment:

mean mom productions said...

okay, let me say this girl. i have known you for 5 of the last 10 years. Right or pretty darn close to the truth. I say, you and Jimmy are better at sharing the load of being parents than most including my own marriage. At least your, DH is supportive to an extent of going back to school. You know that I would love the oppurnity to get my degree even if its only a two year degree. I can't. You shouldn't feel guilty about something that is dear too. You are still setting an example for them. One that says, that no matter what you still can and will reach your dreams regardless of your the way your life is headed. This guilt from hell, don't let it get you down. You are doing such a good job girl!

Loves you guys and girls. Miss you too. I hate being a states away.