Some days we don't go anywhere because I have to do schoolwork. Some days we stay home all day and then when the husband gets home I immediately leave for a coffeeshop to get work done in peace. Some days I am so stressed out everything the girls do gets on my nerves. My whole life revolves around getting As and being a success.
And yet I have these 3 little people depending on me. 3 little people who are going to wake up in the morning and want breakfast and lunch and hope that I will make it for them. (Sometimes I get them the bread and let them put peanut butter on it themselves. I tell myself it is teaching them independence. . . ) I have 3 little people who will only have 1 summer break from school this year and next summer they are going to day care and this just might be the last summer of me being a stay-at-home mom. And I want to be a success at raising them too. I made a commitment to them when I gave birth to them. They are my pride and joy.
Speaking of being a stay-at-home mom - that has defined me for the last 10 years. Who am I? A mom. . . that's it. It has been who I am for so long that i am struggling with the idea of NOT being a stay-at-home mom. This fall I will be a full-time student and just a regular old Mom. A haphazard Mom. A Mom who lets a huge part of the burden fall on Dad's shoulders. His very very capable shoulders. I cannot even express how thankful I am for the man I married so long ago. He has stepped up to the plate and allowed me to pursue my goals with no qualms. This isn't his dream - being married to a doctor. This is completely mine. He cleans the house, he takes care of the kids, he does it all so that I can do what I need to do. He is amazing.
Anyway, it's a recurring theme, the guilt. The Mom-guilt. It is REALLY hard to be a good Mom and a good student. It's even harder to be an EXCELLENT mom and and excellent student. And unfortunately those are the expectations I have for myself- I want to be excellent at everything, and I feel like I am failing.